When I am not enough...

Most days I am confident, optimistic, and full of faith.  But if I take the time to examine myself closely I find that there are doubts and misgivings clinging like cobwebs in the little visited corners of my heart.  Those doubts and misgivings raise their ugly head in the least expected moments.

Moments when I look around and KNOW that I am not enough.

Days when my toddler cries and cries for no reason I can determine.  I hold him, comfort him, and look for a solution all to no avail.  And I know that at that moment I am not enough.

Days when my pre-schooler has so much energy and needs to go outside, yet I am all tied up with supper preparations, household chores, and trying to slip in a ministry phone call or two.  It is then that I know- I am not enough.

When I look around and see piles of unfinished paperwork and compare it to the time I have left on the clock or when I compare my list of errands to the days left on my calendar- there is no doubt- I am not enough.

When my husband walks through the door to find what he hopes is supper simmering on the stove and the children playing peacefully and instead he finds--- well, the children crying, supper burning, and me standing in the middle of it all with sloppy clothes, frazzled hair, and a pleading look on my face for him to recuse me.  It is obvious that I am not enough.

I am not enough to fill every need that my family has.  I am not enough to fill every need that the ministry has.  Although I want to see myself as a supermom, superwife, super ministry director, and superwoman in general- in and of myself- I AM NOT ENOUGH. 

Despite the temptation to bury my head in shame at the thought of ME a supposed pioneer woman of faith having tiny, nagging doubts that I neglect to sweep out... instead I hold my head high and remind myself that I am in good company.  All through the Bible we read about mighty men and women of God who did exploits for the Kingdom being plagued by sin and doubt.

I remember David who was far from perfect, yet was a man after God's own heart and in the ancestry of Jesus.  Rahab, a woman of ill-repute who made many, many mistakes and was also chosen to be listed in Jesus' ancestry.  There was Moses, with his speech problems who didn't even want to face Pharoah alone- even after such a life changing encounter with the living God!  There was Peter who doubted and even denied Christ.  And on and on the list goes.

So as I look around myself today at the unfinished fundraising projects, the piles of paperwork, the unaswered e-mails and as I contemplate what to make for dinner and when to find time to do homework... I am once again struck with the sensation that I, myself, am not enough.  Yet I know that the one who lives within me IS enough.  His grace is sufficient for me.  And I choose to trust in that.

trying to be enough :)